Terrible Headshots - Vol. 4

A little something for the holidays. You're welcome.

Holiday Gift Making 101

My friend who I am visiting for Christmas requested several weeks ago that we exchange homemade gifts only this holiday season. At first, this idea was very appealing to me. I fancy myself to be a creative person and I had some initial good ideas. Those ideas included - knitting a scarf,blanket or dog bed; painting a nice landscape, still life or portrait; burning a series of CDs of really good music; or making an inventive coupon book. There turned out to be issues with each of these ideas - I don't know how to knit and don't have the patience to learn; I'm not a painter, nor do I want to become one only for this one Christmas; my friend has all the same music that I do and if I bought more, I didn't think it would really count and that idea is boring; coupon books suck - worst gift ever. After you reach the age of 5, you are no longer allowed to give out coupon books. So, I was left with secondary ideas. I won't bore you with going through all the little crafty things I attempted. Just know it is impossible to find 1" clear glass gems or a 1/2" craft hole punch, so don't even bother looking. Chad came over one night last week to go over another project step-by-step with me so I would know exactly how to do it. He did the craft project while I watched Fringe. I spent more money buying supplies for these stupid ideas than I would had I just gone to the store and gotten something awesome that would have actually been useful. Or at least nice looking. Eventually, I collected some photos and sent them to a company that knows what to do with them to create a decent gift. I know that this is not exactly what my friend had in mind, but it was as close as I could get without losing my fucking mind. Her birthday is several days after Christmas and there were no rules assigned to that gift, so I am assuming I can buy whatever the hell I want. So, I'm a buyer, not a maker. This isn't something I'm proud to admit, but I will say that I am doing my part to turn this recession around. I should get some life points for that.

Terrible Headshots - Vol. 3

Nothing about this is okay. NOTHING.

Who is better than this man?

For many years now, I have had an unrelenting celebrity crush on the one and only Stone Phillips, former NBC newsman and anchor of Dateline. When I say many years, I mean approximately 17. I've loved him from the moment I laid eyes on his perfectly coiffed hair pillow. I believe that I even impersonated him during a science project presentation involving a potato in the 10th grade. He has always been #1 on my "if you could" list. Today, while wasting time at work, I realized that I haven't seen him lately, even briefly, on the television. My question to all news channels out there - network and cable alike - is - WHY?? He is the quintessential broadcast journalist who is and has been grossly underused by network buffoons his entire career. As you might be able to tell, I really got worked up about this today. He is an American treasure/hunk and should be treated with all the respect and accolades that come along with those distinctions. Perhaps his lack of on-camera work over the past several years has been his choice. Perhaps he was sick of getting the same type of contract as Brian Williams' assistant. If this is indeed the case, I understand. It's only natural to want to punish the corporate a-holes who couldn't manage to come up with a measly $7 million to keep the original Don Draper on the air. But, Stone, if you're reading this, I implore you - return to the American airwaves! They are a desolate wasteland without you. I would also like to note that if I ever do anything to garner national attention for 15 minutes or so - like pretend my child is flying 10 miles above the earth in a Mylar balloon or crash a White House State dinner - the ONLY person to whom I would EVER grant an interview is the incomparable Mr. Phillips. Of course, Stone is far to classy to cover something like that. I suppose if I ever land a disabled aircraft on the Hudson without injuring anyone, I will give his agent a call.
Coincidentally, yesterday was his birthday. Happy birthday, Stone! I think I speak for many when I say, hope to see you soon.

Old Navy

Whoa - Thanksgiving blew my mind. Too much of everything. Lots of binging, not much purging. Thank you, Thanksgiving, for pushing me 3 steps back. Bring on the next indulgent holiday. I love a parade. Holiday parade! I did manage to spend $90 at Old Navy. All for myself. During that 2 day sale, it was fairly difficult to spend that much money, as everything was ridiculously cheap. I had to buy new sweaters and warm clothes. That may sound weird as I live in Southern California and the 5 day outlook is literally "Sunny and Delightful," but I've become weak. At this temperature in Chicago, I would have been running around in a tank top (just kidding - I never run around nor do I wear tank tops). I have to prepare for winter road tripping in the northerly direction. And, I've somehow lost all the winter clothes I collected over 6 years in Chicago. Where did it all go? The stuff I can find I hate. Thus, the Old Navy trip on the weekend after Thanksgiving was completely justified. Do only poor people shop at Old Navy? I know some people who have lots of money who shop at the 99 cent store, but I'm not sure about Old Navy. I suppose there is a difference between clothing and plastic baggies. I also don't think that I really qualify as a technical poor person, but you know what I mean.

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Oooohhhh boy. I have not smoked all day long. It turns out that I am addicted to those little f-ing sticks. In an effort to reduce my chances of getting lung cancer (or throat cancer or having a heart attack or stroke or having constricted blood vessels or losing my sense of smell or developing COPD or emphysema), I have decided to quit smoking. Again. How many times does the average person have to try to quit before it sticks? 7? I wonder what number I am on. Maybe 5. So, hopefully, I'm ahead of the curve. I have always been very advanced and I'm sure this is no exception. I've just been chewing gum all day, something I normally do anyway, so I doubt that it's helping. I am certainly not a heavy smoker, but I think sometimes it's more difficult to abstain when you have specific times when you usually have a cigarette. For instance, I like having a cigarette break as soon as my employers pull out of the parking garage for the evening. Today, instead, I made a chart for Thanksgiving and highlighted things. Not really as satisfying, but slightly more productive. If only I can keep track of it until the weekend. We'll see...
Also, I'm itchy. Not sure if it is related, but it's pretty annoying. My office was inundated by the smell of Chinese food this afternoon, but rather than ordering a ton of it for lunch, I ate the 300 calories worth of food I brought from home and called my friend and told her to meet me at PF Changs after work. A slight improvement in behavior. At least if I'm eating with someone else, I won't eat as much as I would if I was eating alone. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. Anyway, the word of the day is PROGRESS. It is slow, but it is forward moving. One day I hope to function like a normal adult female. I'll keep you posted.

Oprah's Soul Series

My new bestie just turned me on to Oprah's Soul Series. On her website, you can find past radio interviews she's done with various types of spiritual authors, speakers, etc. Some of them are only audio, but some are webcasts. I started with her interview with Sarah Ban Breathnach, author of Simple Abundance. This woman seems so incredibly grounded. As you may have gleaned from the title, her work is all about the power of being grateful for what you have even if it doesn't seem like much. The idea is to propagate positivity and thankfulness and open yourself up to seeing how much abundance you truly have. As with most "self-help" formulas, there are familiar elements here-Living in the moment, recognizing the gifts that are given. I was truly affected by this video, so much so that I immediately ordered her book. It is another tool for the box. I should say that I am not a frequent Oprah viewer. I occasionally catch clips, but that's the extent of it. But...I LOVE THIS SERIES. Here is the Thanksgiving themed cast:
http://harpo.vo.llnwd.net/o1/QuerySplicedItemContent?file_name=vc_54bde0f9d0d26f6cda57cde04de08471.ver_1.videosdyn3.20091105060401.m4v&case_number=54bde0f9d0d26f6cda57cde04de08471.m4v&volomedia_info=&llnw_original_url=http%3A%2F%2Fotunes-vm.oprah.com%2Fpodcast%2Fxm%2Fss%2Fsbb1%2Fss-vidPodLOW_sbb1.m4v

Hut-Living

I wish I lived in this hut. Doesn't it look like a nice place to practice yoga? Of course, I might change my tune when it rained, but I'm not sure. I think there is probably only one way to find out.
That's go live in the hut.
These office walls are squashing me.

Weird Encounters at the Grove

As those of you who live in LA can attest, every trip to the Grove/Farmer's Market is a lesson in patience and a literal fount of potential adventure. The Hollywood "They" are frequently filming/shopping/eating there. Tourists are taking pictures in front of the Apple store as though they've never seen a giant iPhone before. Like the one in the mall in the town where they live. This weekend, Chad (Mr. Jack-O-Lantern/Perfect Man)and I were tolling down it's brick, car-free streets when something out of the ordinary even by Grove Standards occurred. We were making our way to the Cheesecake Factory for Sunday Brunch (it only happens once a week) so we were deep in discussion about the wonders that awaited us. Or we were talking about flatware; I can't really remember. Anyway, suddenly, we both hear someone yelling my name behind us. It was VERY crowded and at first I thought this person was talking to someone else. But it was REALLY loud, so I turned around. A middle-aged man with several small children surrounding him was reaching toward us (he was about 20 feet away) and when I turned around, he waved. I'm quite certain now that I have never seen that man before in my life and that he was, in fact, yelling my name at ME. I was quite taken aback by it when it occurred and since I did not recognize him, I just thought it was a coincidence. I turned around and kept walking. Chad said, "Who was that?" I said, "I have no idea." Then we were quiet for a minute. Then I said, "Who the fuck was that?!" And we both laughed. Why didn't I find out who it was? He clearly recognized me. My behavior in that situation made absolutely no sense. Chad did an alarmingly accurate impression of me blowing that guy off and said if it was someone I knew, he would surely now think I was a bitch and probably tell everyone so. It was so bizarre. I keep thinking of that guy's face and truly cannot place him anywhere. I very rarely forget faces. I can't think of another instance in my life where someone has known me well enough to call out my name in a crowded outdoor mall and I have absolutely no recollection of who the hell they are. The only logical explanation is that I was having a Fringe moment, and, somehow, my universes briefly collided. The next time I post something here, it will probably be edited because I'll be working for the FBI.
If that ever happens again, I am definitely going to figure out who it is before I make a beeline for eggs benedict.

Cable and Candy

It's already Nov. 5th?!?! If you haven't already, you'd better pay your rent today. Is it sad that is the first thing I think of when it's the 5th of the month. I have been living without cable or internet in my home for approximately two weeks now. It is very difficult and I frequently don't know what to do with myself. I've supplemented my online TV viewing during work hours with watching DVDs of Seinfeld at night. It's like I'm living in 1994. At least then we had an analog signal. Luckily for me, the situation should be resolved tomorrow morning. If I can't watch the season finale of Mad Men on my own TV, I'm not sure what's going to happen. Other than the cable debacle of 2009, I am quite enjoying living by myself. I think it's really working for me. The time change also helped as it is now much easier to get up early enough to do my little yoga videos before work. I've taken to making oatmeal for breakfast. It's all coming together, people. We'll see how long it lasts. To counteract all this positivity, one of my employers brought in an enormous bag of candy leftovers from his childrens' Halloween activities. It is sitting right in front of my desk and it is filled with Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. Disaster. I've eaten so many that I'm going to have to blame it on the night cleaning crew. Of course, said employer is home today because one of the kids has swine flu. So, not only will this chocolate make me fat, it's probably crawling with H1N1. Fantastic.

Moving in

Oh boy!! The 4th move in the last 6 months is nearing completion. Sweet relief. Let's all keep our fingers crossed that this one sticks for a bit. I don't think that my complexion can take any more stress. I've done this one almost entirely on my own with the assistance of professional movers. Just need a man to help me hang a bitch of a floating shelf. Luckily, I have one lined up. And he comes with his own drill. Hopefully he can also repair the mess I've made of the drapery rod in the living room. After two whole days of living on my own, I think it's safe to say that I enjoy it. I am slightly neurotic so once all unpacking is finished and photos are on the walls, I believe I will be able to take it down a notch. I'm going to purchase a new television set this evening after work. I tried to do that last night, but, apparently, Best Buy doesn't think that I deserve 18 months of no interest financing. This begs the questions - Who do they think they are? As a show of spite, I was going to make my electronics purchase elsewhere, but it turns out, they have the best deals I can find right now, so I have to go back there. Make a note - if you are going to move and buy a new TV, ignore common sense and buy the TV first before your credit gets checked a bunch of times. I suppose this doesn't apply to people who have loads of cash to throw around, but if you enjoy using credit as much as I do, you'll heed this advice. Long story endless, ideally the new digs will be in complete working order in approximately 1-1 1/2 weeks, depending on several variables.
Here's something weird - prior to moving in to this new place, I learned that it is actually the former apartment of a friend who recently moved to Boston. Crazy! I had no idea it was her old place when I looked at it, but when I described it to one of our mutual friends, he said - I think that's Tracy's old place. And via Facebook, it was confirmed that it indeed was. Love it.
Last night Catherine and Chad came over and craved pumpkins. I observed. Chad is some kind of jack-o-lantern savant. He didn't even use a pencil to outline first! Amazing. Further evidence that he is the perfect man.

Terrible Headshots - Vol. 2

How do you like me now? I'm about to blow your mind!

Rainy day

It's been raining in LA for the past few days. Apparently what constitutes normal weather in most places causes catastrophic disaster here. I would estimate that it rained about two inches. People were running their cars into one another, roofs were caving in, events were canceled, no one actually did anything productive. If the big one ever hits, we are going to be the first ones to go. We can't function IN THE RAIN. This does not bode well. I understand that mudslides are a concern, but beyond that, this city needs to get a grip. Granted, it has been so long since I turned my windshield wipers on, I forgot where they were, but it only took me about 10 seconds to figure it out. I saw 3 car accidents during my commute today which took about twice as long as usual each way.
I'm about to sign a lease on a new apartment. I don't know if I can stay with these people for another year. Soft, spoiled, envious. Those are the words I would use to describe this place. I have never been one to be too materialistic, but in the course of looking for this new apartment, the shift officially took place. For some reason, I feel as though I deserve to live in a 4 bedroom house overlooking the ocean with palm trees outside my bedroom window and a wrap around deck. Why doesn't my $1200 a month get me that? I feel like I've been cheated in some way.
My very kind new landlady was giving me a tour of the apartment and she told me that she has a few tenants who have lived there for over a decade. I think she meant this to be a selling point. So, although this apartment has hardwood floors and a little balcony and is on the top floor and has a gated parking space and plenty of room for all my furniture and pink tiles in the bathroom, I have been focusing on the fact that I may end up living in a little one bedroom apartment by myself in West Hollywood for the rest of my life. I can't even be a cat lady as the building does not allow pets. Maybe I could be the hamster lady. My living room could just be filled with those plastic yellow tubes and they could run around all day.
This is what 2 inches of rain after 8 months of sunshine does to you. This is what LA does. It gives you just enough to want more and not enough to feel comfortable.

Terrible Headshots - Vol. 1

If one of your friends shows you a headshot that looks anything like either of these and asks you what you think - please, be a friend, tell them the truth.

Yoga and Chinese

I have the overwhelming urge to have spaghettios for lunch. But, I'm not going to do it as I am supposed to be on this diet for at least 30 days. I think I'm only on day 14 or so and I fucked it up a bit this weekend already. Have to get back on track. I have been going to yoga classes at Golden Bridge for the past few weeks. My lovely friend went with me yesterday and made the astute observation that the people there are "really into it." Seriously, they are REALLY into it. There's lots of turbans and tapestry going on. I do feel great after the classes, though, so they must be onto something. Unfortunately, yesterday's yoga class was followed by doing nothing all day then ordering Chinese food. Geez. Nope, nope, nope. Try again.

Bank doors and cigarettes

I recently visited a T.G.I.Fridays in Ventura, California. In addition to listening to the staff sing happy birthday to FOUR different tables, I was forced to learn the calorie counts for all of their food which they have chosen to display all OVER that menu. That is not information that I can un-know. That may have been what started my shitty week. No one wants to know that there are 1,600 calories in a salad with chicken on it!
I have taken to sneaking cigarette breaks during work and then spraying myself down with body spray in order to disguise the fact that I am smoking. Very grown up. But, I did have a legitimate reason to be downstairs yesterday, as I also needed to make a deposit at the bank in the lobby. I walked inside from my smoking tryst and there was a police officer talking to the security guard at the front desk. The bank, which has apparently been held up multiple times, has bullet proof security doors that you have to enter one person at a time. The combination of those two facts and the way I was feeling (crazy),led me to fantasize about grabbing the officer's gun out of his holster and shooting the hell out of those bank doors. Then I thought about what the consequences of those actions would be. Clearly, I would have been arrested. I also might have accidentally killed someone. I'd go to jail and even if I only caused property damage, it probably would have been more trouble than it's worth. So, I didn't do it. I just made the deposit and went back to my desk.

Tools

I'm trying to be a better person today. That used to be my new years resolution every year. Then I worked at a rehab center where they made me run groups about goal setting during which I was informed that goals/resolutions should be reasonable and measurable in order to insure success. Well, as far as I know, most of those people are still using Medicaid to pay for their living expenses and I haven't really gotten much done. Though I suppose the key is to stick with it. One of my teachers in middle school, probably the weirdest teacher I've ever had - I can't remember her name, but I think it will come to me - always said, "Organization is the key to success." As you may know from previous entries, sticking with goals is not one of my fortes. Goals and organization. Today I started a calendar on iGoogle after I decided it was a good idea to get on a scale this morning. Why in the hell would I do that first thing on Monday morning? What an idiot. It pretty much ruined my entire day and sent me down a mental spiral that ended with the consumption of an entire bar of no-carb chocolate, a decision which is sure to have unexpected consequences. So, the iGoogle thing is the latest addition to my tools for goal reaching and organizational success. I have A LOT of tools. In what I believe was an attempt to disguise my utter lack of physical preparedness for yoga class, I decided to buy the most expensive yoga mat known to man. It is REALLY nice, though. I did go to a hatha yoga (translation - not crazy power yoga) class on Saturday and found it to be most enjoyable. The instructor started class by asking us if any of were feeling angry because she was getting that vibe. She claimed to be able to read our auras. I kind of loved her. I will go again next weekend. TOOLS! So many tools. I don't have any concrete goals yet, per se, but I am in the process of amassing such an enormous arsenal of weaponry in preparation for my impending mental/physical/spiritual Armageddon, that my pathetic past/present self doesn't really stand a chance. Sadly, the element of surprise has been lost.

The Office/Fringe - Returning Favs

Fringe - How about when Olivia flew out of the freaking windshield? Just when I think that this show can't possibly throw anymore curve balls, the writers manage to pull out some pretty amazing stuff. During the season finale last year, I fell off my elliptical I was so shocked. I will admit that I should have rewatched last season's finale before watching last night's episode. I don't particularly care for the new regular - Agent Jessup; I'll give her a few more episodes to completely pass judgment. Not sure that it was really necessary to introduce a new FBI agent into the mix. Is she a love interest for Peter? Who isn't, I guess. Did you see the way he caressed Olivia's sister's cheek while they were in the hospital corridor? Hello! Maybe we're not finished there. Although the sister did make a point of saying how much Olivia "liked" Peter.
I'm glad that no one has ever stuck a three pronged morphing device into my mouth and then stuffed my body into a furnace. I was sorely disappointed to see Charlie go. Although I am looking forward to seeing Kirk Acevedo show off his acting chops. Hopefully he'll be around for at least a few more episodes. What must it be like for an actor to set a cast of himself on fire? I bet it's weird. One thing that I found to be rather ridiculous was the fact that no one thought to check the inside of Charlie's mouth after they found him with the nurse's dead body. Hello?! You know how the device works! Did it not occur to any of them to investigate this further?
I loved loved loved the typewriter portal. Who was on the other side? Is Spock coming back? How will Olivia regain her memory? What does she know how to find?
Nina Sharp kissed Broyles! Are they having an affair? Dirty. I like it. Let's hear more.
Will Peter find out he is from another dimension? I think there was significance about custard on his birthday. It's anyone's guess what the hell that significance is.
Peter definitely seems more bad-ass and haunted this season. Maybe because they are shooting in Vancouver now?
And...in the preview for the rest of the season - who is Walter kissing on the porch? Is that Peter's mom? Are they in the other dimension? Is she still alive there?

I read a blurb in the LA Times today in which the writer noted she is sick of serials and wanted more episodics. Yet, she also seemed to have a problem with all the franchise L&Os and CSIs etc. While I agree there are better, more creative and original things on which to spend money than another NCIS (on which, according to the billboard, Chris O'Donnell and LL Cool J have the same skin color), at least it's not Jay Leno.

This is getting long and there was A LOT of new TV on last night.
Thought The Office opener was great. Writing was better than it has been for awhile. I hope they draw Pam's pregnancy out for the season. Whenever babies enter a sitcom, it tends to go downhill. Although, they did manage to handle Jan's baby pretty well. We'll see.
Community wasn't bad. I'll stay in for a few more episodes. My boss had never heard of Joel McCale - he had no idea who he was. Crazy. Chevy Chase sure is good at making faces. Anything else you can do, sir?
Heard Parks & Rec was great. Haven't watched it yet.

Pop Culture Overload

This week has been too saturated by pop culture for me to write anything here. It overwhelmed me and made me feel kind of bad about #1) living in a society that gives so much of a shit about what stupid celebrities have to say and completely disregards genuinely life altering global events and #2) living in the center of that shit storm. Of course, then I felt like a huge hypocrite as technically, I make a living off of those shit raindrops and I'm obviously a pop culture consumer. There is a line somewhere and I think, for me, it was crossed this week.
I am excited to report that this week also welcomed the beginning of plans for an extraordinary, favorite people-filled California/Oregon Christmas adventure that I must start negotiating now so that I have something to look forward to over the next couple vacation-less months. I CANNOT wait to get into those Oregon hot springs. SCALDING!**
Another positive note - I was scheduled for jury duty this week in downtown LA and didn't actually have to go in. This is the 3rd time that this phenomenon has occurred. Twice in Chicago and now once here. I have a theory that this is due in part to my last name starting with a W. But, who knows? Maybe I'm just really lucky.
Some girl from a physical therapy office upstairs just brought us a box of fortune cookies. I didn't open one. I think today, I'd rather not know.

**It is possible that I may be addicted to vacations.

Hmmm

Who is this? Is it supposed to be Jay Leno? I'm glad NBC is keeping the airbrush factory in business.

TV Time

Oh ho ho ho ho. September is the cruelest month, breeding sitcoms out of the dead land, mixing Jay Leno and prime time, stirring dull reruns with Fall pilots.
That's right, folks! It is that time of year once again - Fall TV season. Today the online LA Times featured a printable September TV calendar (http://www.latimes.com/media/acrobat/2009-09/49046273.pdf). Obviously, I printed it out on the color printer as it came complete with Steve Carrell photoshopped into one corner. I've highlighted the shows I must program into the DVR and am anxious to get home and fill it up while my roommate is out of town.
This past week, we welcomed the revamp of a series dear to my teenage heart, Melrose Place. As many of my friends revealed on facebook this week, I was not alone in my enjoyment of the first episode. Will it stick? I'm not so sure. I could have just been swept away in the delight of seeing Miss S floating dead in the pool within the first 10 minutes of the show. It does seem like they have dug up some satisfactory young thespians and Ashlee Simpson didn't annoy me too much, but she didn't have a ton of screen time.

Here's my Must-Watch-at-least-a-couple-episodes list. Asterisks denote series that I'm super excited to see:

Community* - Gotta love Joel McCale
Bored to Death
Accidentally on Purpose
The Forgotten
The Good Wife* - Chris Noth is a recurring. Beautiful
Mercy
Modern Family
Cougar Town
Eastwick* - Get ready for Paul Gross, people.
Flash Forward
Trauma
Hank - Sigh. Kelsey Grammer
The Middle

Returning Favs:
The Office
Fringe
Curb Your Enthusiasm
The Mentalist (I can't help it - Simon Baker is dreamy)
Dexter
Brothers & Sisters
Californication

And we are only 4 episodes into Mad Men. That's a lot of TV.

I will share my opinions here which you should be very interested in as I am a Hollywood Insider.
Off to Austin tomorrow for my BFF's 30th birthday celebration! Another weekend, another new city. It's all very exciting.

Bay Area Infatuation

Question - Why have San Francisco and I never met prior to this weekend? I am completely in love.

One of my dearest friends had a gallery show in Oakland this past weekend, giving me a delightful opportunity to visit the Bay area for the very first time. His show was amazing, I was able to spend some quality time with old friends and everything came up roses.


Matt's gallery show in Oakland

As what I consider to be a most enjoyable mixture of New York and Los Angeles, San Francisco had me at hello. After spending a lovely day on the other side of the Bay, I emerged from the BART in the heart of the city, where I was literally greeted by a gigantic heart shaped sculpture. Coincidence? I think not. Within 5 minutes, I had declared my undying love for this city I barely knew. As we grew more intimate over the next several days, SF delved deep into my soul, touching me in places old Los Angeles has long forgotten. In the end, SF pulled a Humphrey Bogart on me and convinced me to travel the long road back to my familiar, safe, predictable life. I will be back, SF. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and perhaps for the rest of my life.

The view from a very famous bridge.

Agnes Hug Me

Last night I was having drinks with a friend and she told me a most hilarious story. I told her that I wanted to write about it in my blog. We were trying to come up with a name I could use to represent her, to protect her superhero identity. We came up with a couple of choices, but then I remembered this story:
A few months ago, I received a friend request on facebook from someone whose screen name was "Phil McCrackin." It's been awhile since I was 12, so, although I knew this sounded familiar to me, I didn't really get it. The person accompanied the request with a message that indicated that he did, in fact, know me, as there were details he mentioned that a stranger couldn't possibly know. I wracked my brain trying to figure out who this might be. Later that week, I was at my friend's (the same one from last night) place with several other ladies, and we were talking about this mysterious friend request. I said the name "Phil McCrackin" out loud several times and NONE of us heard Fill My Crack In. My friend suggested that I check my high school yearbooks WHICH I ACTUALLY DID! Obviously, I did not find him. A few days later, I'm on what I think is a date with this boy that I sort of had a thing for at the time and we are having a conversation about weird shit that goes on on facebook. Naturally, I relate this story. As soon as I say the words, "Phil McCrackin" to this guy, I realize what's up. Because I am extremely cool, I play it off to him as though I've known all along what's going on. In the meantime, I receive several other messages from this mysterious FB tool. Turns out, I knew him briefly in high school and he joined FB just to find out what I was up to and he used a made up name because he didn't want his wife or his 4 kids to know. Ugh. So, I'm back at my girl's house and we're having a few drinks. I explain that the mystery has been solved and that Phil is, indeed, a douche. She starts laughing really hard and says, "Oh, hahaha, like when Bart Simpson calls Moe's bar and asks for Agnes Hug Me?" I say, "Do you mean Amanda Huginkis?" to which she answers, "Yeah, that." Thus, Phil McCrackin is synonymous with a-hole and Agnes Hug Me (AHM) is the name I will use for my friend in my blog.
So, AHM tells me last night that while she was visiting her hometown recently, her mother suggested that they have a ladies' day at the spa. AHM's mother is the sort that sends her 5LB bags of rice in the mail so she can give her face a rice bath and who threatens (legitimately)to steal her child if she ever has one out of wedlock. AHM thinks that the offer of a relaxing spa treatment is delightful, so she hops in the car with her mother and they take a little drive. Her mother pulls up to a curb and announces that they have arrived at their destination. AHM looks up and realizes that she has been driven to a fertility clinic. When AHM questions her mother, her mother reveals that she thinks its a good idea for AHM to have her eggs frozen before they shrivel up and are no good. WHAT?!!!? AHM is in her early (ish) 30s! Horrified, AHM hails a cab and departs the scene without stepping foot in the clinic. While she's telling me this story, she is amazingly good-natured about the whole incident. This is actually on the lower scale of crazy for her mother. I cannot image dealing with this sort of behavior. It made me realize that when AHM does eventually have children, I know that she will be a fantastic mother and have an incredibly high tolerance for the absurd.

The Hybrid Returns

My car was in the shop for a couple of days this week and, let me tell you, I have a new found respect for all normal people who rely on the LA Metro Bus and Rail system as their primary means of transportation. I'm pretty sure I shouldn't have gotten on there without being wrapped in a plastic sheath. There was one woman who tried unsuccessfully to board. She was wearing a tank top with no sides. By which I mean you could see things that should have been covered with a black bar. It was 9:30 in the morning on a weekday. I wonder what happens at night. Thankfully, I now have my own personal wheels back and can once again dictate who gets in and out.
In other news, I bought a really ugly dress at lunchtime today. I'm not sure why I purchased it. I guess I was too beaten down to forge ahead and try something else on.
Hump day = the ladies drinking martinis at Lola's tonight. Huzzah!

Weekend Update

Whoa - a lot of stuff happened this weekend. Not so much on Friday. I was supposed to hang out with a friend from college, but we couldn't get our shit together, so my roommate and I watched the terrible movie, Bride Wars. I am upset that because we ordered it on demand, it will actually show up on the cable bill. Embarrassing. Though it truly is the filmmakers who should be embarrassed. I mean, what a piece of shit. It is too bad, as there are some adequate acting performances. The director and the music supervisor should be ashamed of themselves. Not to mention the script problems including the fact that if two people are that close, they would more realistically be excited to get married on the same day. Also, there were editing problems. AND multiple still motion montages. AND extremely poor use of voice over. Wow - that movie really got me worked up. After that, I went to bed early #1 because I was sad to be part of a society that produced such an atrocious film and #2 because I wanted to be well rested for my POWER YOGA class on Saturday morning. That's right - Power Yoga. Prior to this weekend, I had never actually taken a yoga class before. A word of advice that probably sounds like common sense to most people - if you have never taken a yoga class before, don't start with Power Yoga, even if it's a beginners' class and really fits in with your work schedule. As of Monday at 10:50am, my body has still not recovered. It hurts when I breathe. Laughing is out of the question. I haven't sweat that much since doing the Total Body Burn workout in the Hip Hop Abs collection. It was made worse by the fact that the class was over an hour long and I just couldn't find a way out. I was forced to continue to participate. There were puddles of sweat on my yoga mat and my hands were so slippery that I kept falling over. The only bright side was that there was one guy there who was worse than I was. After I was released from prison camp, I went back to my house and quickly showered and my friend picked me up and we went out to lunch. After lunch, we went back to her apartment to do some business business. I think she must have forgotten that she picked me up because when I was leaving, she was like - "Bye! Thanks so much for helping me! I'll see you soon!" I think it's important to mention here that it was literally 100 degrees on Saturday in Los Angeles. Nonetheless, rather than be a lazy ass, I walked the 10 blocks or so back to my own apartment. At this point, instinct was telling me to just jump in the pool with my clothes on, but instead I had to get ready. My lovely roommate (the same one who forced me to watch Bride Wars) got tickets to see Liza Minnelli at the Hollywood Bowl Saturday Night! As I was lounging on the couch, waiting to leave, I happened upon Ted Kennedy's funeral which was, of course, being televised on CNN. The ceremony had run about 3 hours later than expected and it was pretty much black onscreen. Toward the end, the priest announced that several of Ted's grandchildren had some words. When they eventually found their way to the stage, one of them practically cried, "I can't see ANYTHING." It was very sad. I was about to turn the TV off at that point and read the new issue of Entertainment Weekly, but then a documentary called "Teddy: In His Own Words" started to air. Incredible! What a loss. Very emotional. I felt like a hypocrite for mocking people who had posted status updates about Ted Kennedy on facebook. Side bar - Diet Hansen's Pomegranate Soda tastes like cough medicine. Needless to say, by the time we got to our little box at the Hollywood Bowl, I was already extra sensitive. Liza was amazing. This was the first time I had seen her live. A-M-A-Z-I-N-G. Many props to the rooms for bringing me along. The only downside to the evening was that the relationship between the father and daughter sitting in front of us seemed to be extremely inappropriate. Happily, Rooms had thought ahead and brought along a bottle of wine for each act, so by the time we were standing outside the car waiting for other patrons to get the hell out of our way, I was in a pretty good place. Now, this may seem like more common sense, but Power Yoga followed by a bottle of wine on Saturday equals not being able to move on Sunday morning. Not even my head as my neck and shoulder muscles were bearing the brunt of Warrior 1 & 4. Somehow, I managed to pull myself out of bed, into the shower and drive over to my friends house for a reading of a play her theater company is workshopping. Listening to plays being read out loud has to be one of my least favorite activities. It was about 90 degrees in the apartment and as my body was not working properly anyway, the entire ordeal was a lot for me. Afterward, I sat in Denny's for awhile with some of my peeps and discussed next weekend's trip to San Francisco. Should be super fun. My weekend wrapped up with some marathon television watching - True Blood, Entourage, Mad Men, The Soup - during which I did manged to finish a little art project and do some laundry (mat days are over for now). Best line from True Blood this week - "That's Satan in your motherfucking Sunday hat." Excuse me? Brilliant. What's up with that egg?? Sadly, we all must wait two weeks to see the season finale. So, back at work today, but only for 4 days this week! Then 4 day weekend. I wonder if I could somehow make that a permanent arrangement.

Wrong turn

Today was really shaping up there for awhile. Got up early this morning and did hip hop abs with my digital friend, Shawn T.. Always a good way to start the day, right? And, even though I did the same thing to it as I always do, my hair turned out super bouncy which I enjoy. I'm also sporting some hoop-like earrings that I purchased in one of my favorite towns in the United States, Hawi. Somehow, it has taken a wrong turn along the way. I believe that it has something to do with sitting at a desk from the 80s, staring at a messy office and not eating carbs all day long. I'm pretty sure I've checked facebook at least 20 times. Nothing that interesting has popped up so far, but I have to keep checking just in case something amazing happens to someone I know and rather than call and report the event, they simply microblog about it and assume we will all be updated.
Whenever my boss asks me to do anything, he has a nasty habit of standing there and looking at me until I do it. It makes me uncomfortable and nervous.
As I watch the clock at the bottom of my computer screen slowly record the passing of the best years of my life, I must remember that when I leave here I will be back to the other half of the reality of things. The better half. It'll be like this never happened. Until 10am tomorrow, I suppose.

Fiore's missing car found in West Hollywood; police look for homicide evidence

Fiore's missing car found in West Hollywood; police look for homicide evidence

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This is where I buy my premium beef chunks and soy sauce!

Laundry mats

Sitting outside the laundry mat. Is anything more boring? Possibly the DMV, but one doesn't have to do that as often. I think that if a person has to sit outside the laundry mat on a regular basis then they have failed in life. This is not the way things are supposed to be. I mean, come on, people. I watched a documentary series recently called "I Shouldn't Be Alive." I SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN ALLOWED to watch it. People actually were torn apart by sharks like they were pieces of chum. I sincerely hope I am never eaten by sharks. I keep thinking of it because I've been very dehydrated lately and those people went without water for something like 7 days. Two guys drank salt water and went crazy and basically fed themselves to the sharks. I cannot comprehend this kind of desperation, but, really, you never know when you might be faced with an extraordinary situation. You cannot write about that kind of emotion and I think, unless they've experienced it first hand, an actor cannot portray it. But those people who do reenactments for the Discovery Channel do a damn fine job. It's just unfuckingbelievable and most of us will go our entire lives without coming close to anything like it.
Okay, the guy just closed the laundry mat. I better be able to get back in there to retrieve my clothes. I prefer to sit in my car while my laundry is tumbling. I feel like it's a little nest. A little nest filled with cigarette smoke and empty diet mountain dew bottles. Laundry mats seem so dirty and lonely to me. A lot of people have good laundry mat stories. What happens at the laundry mat, stays at the laundry mat. How many times have I written the words "laundry mat?" Seven.
God, I'm thirsty. There's a 7-11 across the street, but I'd rather stay in my car and be thirsty.
I'm going in to wait.

Pre-30th birthday

I just crumpled up my list of 30th birthday goals and threw them in the trash. I should shred them so I can’t dig them out. One time I dug oatmeal crème pies out of the trash after I had thrown them out. Then I ate them. Recently, I dug out a pack of Parliments. Is it better to throw them out and then go digging or to just accept your ineptitude at life and not bother discarding them in the first place? I have a feeling that a list of goals won’t inspire dumpster diving the same way baked goods do. There are so many fucking goals I set for myself that I never reach. It’s ridiculous and it makes me feel bad about myself. Another probing question – is it better to set goals you never meet and feel like shit about it or to never set goals and feel guilty about your pointless life? Once I start obsessing about changing something in my life, it’s very difficult to turn it off. The desktop background on my work computer is a picture I took last time I was in Hawaii at my favorite beach. There are no people in this photo. My boss has pictures of his wife and kids all over his office. I wonder if I am ever going to like a group of people enough to stare at them on my computer screen all day long. I’m pretty content staring at what I imagine is my own private Hawaiian beach without any bitches crowding my space. And where no one pees in the water except the fish. All these great birthday goals. Was it a waste? I did feel good when I was writing them out. Hope that you will become a better, more interesting, thinner person is not a bad thing. At least I used the teeth whitening strips. That’s something.