Pre-30th birthday

I just crumpled up my list of 30th birthday goals and threw them in the trash. I should shred them so I can’t dig them out. One time I dug oatmeal crème pies out of the trash after I had thrown them out. Then I ate them. Recently, I dug out a pack of Parliments. Is it better to throw them out and then go digging or to just accept your ineptitude at life and not bother discarding them in the first place? I have a feeling that a list of goals won’t inspire dumpster diving the same way baked goods do. There are so many fucking goals I set for myself that I never reach. It’s ridiculous and it makes me feel bad about myself. Another probing question – is it better to set goals you never meet and feel like shit about it or to never set goals and feel guilty about your pointless life? Once I start obsessing about changing something in my life, it’s very difficult to turn it off. The desktop background on my work computer is a picture I took last time I was in Hawaii at my favorite beach. There are no people in this photo. My boss has pictures of his wife and kids all over his office. I wonder if I am ever going to like a group of people enough to stare at them on my computer screen all day long. I’m pretty content staring at what I imagine is my own private Hawaiian beach without any bitches crowding my space. And where no one pees in the water except the fish. All these great birthday goals. Was it a waste? I did feel good when I was writing them out. Hope that you will become a better, more interesting, thinner person is not a bad thing. At least I used the teeth whitening strips. That’s something.