Bank doors and cigarettes

I recently visited a T.G.I.Fridays in Ventura, California. In addition to listening to the staff sing happy birthday to FOUR different tables, I was forced to learn the calorie counts for all of their food which they have chosen to display all OVER that menu. That is not information that I can un-know. That may have been what started my shitty week. No one wants to know that there are 1,600 calories in a salad with chicken on it!
I have taken to sneaking cigarette breaks during work and then spraying myself down with body spray in order to disguise the fact that I am smoking. Very grown up. But, I did have a legitimate reason to be downstairs yesterday, as I also needed to make a deposit at the bank in the lobby. I walked inside from my smoking tryst and there was a police officer talking to the security guard at the front desk. The bank, which has apparently been held up multiple times, has bullet proof security doors that you have to enter one person at a time. The combination of those two facts and the way I was feeling (crazy),led me to fantasize about grabbing the officer's gun out of his holster and shooting the hell out of those bank doors. Then I thought about what the consequences of those actions would be. Clearly, I would have been arrested. I also might have accidentally killed someone. I'd go to jail and even if I only caused property damage, it probably would have been more trouble than it's worth. So, I didn't do it. I just made the deposit and went back to my desk.

Tools

I'm trying to be a better person today. That used to be my new years resolution every year. Then I worked at a rehab center where they made me run groups about goal setting during which I was informed that goals/resolutions should be reasonable and measurable in order to insure success. Well, as far as I know, most of those people are still using Medicaid to pay for their living expenses and I haven't really gotten much done. Though I suppose the key is to stick with it. One of my teachers in middle school, probably the weirdest teacher I've ever had - I can't remember her name, but I think it will come to me - always said, "Organization is the key to success." As you may know from previous entries, sticking with goals is not one of my fortes. Goals and organization. Today I started a calendar on iGoogle after I decided it was a good idea to get on a scale this morning. Why in the hell would I do that first thing on Monday morning? What an idiot. It pretty much ruined my entire day and sent me down a mental spiral that ended with the consumption of an entire bar of no-carb chocolate, a decision which is sure to have unexpected consequences. So, the iGoogle thing is the latest addition to my tools for goal reaching and organizational success. I have A LOT of tools. In what I believe was an attempt to disguise my utter lack of physical preparedness for yoga class, I decided to buy the most expensive yoga mat known to man. It is REALLY nice, though. I did go to a hatha yoga (translation - not crazy power yoga) class on Saturday and found it to be most enjoyable. The instructor started class by asking us if any of were feeling angry because she was getting that vibe. She claimed to be able to read our auras. I kind of loved her. I will go again next weekend. TOOLS! So many tools. I don't have any concrete goals yet, per se, but I am in the process of amassing such an enormous arsenal of weaponry in preparation for my impending mental/physical/spiritual Armageddon, that my pathetic past/present self doesn't really stand a chance. Sadly, the element of surprise has been lost.

The Office/Fringe - Returning Favs

Fringe - How about when Olivia flew out of the freaking windshield? Just when I think that this show can't possibly throw anymore curve balls, the writers manage to pull out some pretty amazing stuff. During the season finale last year, I fell off my elliptical I was so shocked. I will admit that I should have rewatched last season's finale before watching last night's episode. I don't particularly care for the new regular - Agent Jessup; I'll give her a few more episodes to completely pass judgment. Not sure that it was really necessary to introduce a new FBI agent into the mix. Is she a love interest for Peter? Who isn't, I guess. Did you see the way he caressed Olivia's sister's cheek while they were in the hospital corridor? Hello! Maybe we're not finished there. Although the sister did make a point of saying how much Olivia "liked" Peter.
I'm glad that no one has ever stuck a three pronged morphing device into my mouth and then stuffed my body into a furnace. I was sorely disappointed to see Charlie go. Although I am looking forward to seeing Kirk Acevedo show off his acting chops. Hopefully he'll be around for at least a few more episodes. What must it be like for an actor to set a cast of himself on fire? I bet it's weird. One thing that I found to be rather ridiculous was the fact that no one thought to check the inside of Charlie's mouth after they found him with the nurse's dead body. Hello?! You know how the device works! Did it not occur to any of them to investigate this further?
I loved loved loved the typewriter portal. Who was on the other side? Is Spock coming back? How will Olivia regain her memory? What does she know how to find?
Nina Sharp kissed Broyles! Are they having an affair? Dirty. I like it. Let's hear more.
Will Peter find out he is from another dimension? I think there was significance about custard on his birthday. It's anyone's guess what the hell that significance is.
Peter definitely seems more bad-ass and haunted this season. Maybe because they are shooting in Vancouver now?
And...in the preview for the rest of the season - who is Walter kissing on the porch? Is that Peter's mom? Are they in the other dimension? Is she still alive there?

I read a blurb in the LA Times today in which the writer noted she is sick of serials and wanted more episodics. Yet, she also seemed to have a problem with all the franchise L&Os and CSIs etc. While I agree there are better, more creative and original things on which to spend money than another NCIS (on which, according to the billboard, Chris O'Donnell and LL Cool J have the same skin color), at least it's not Jay Leno.

This is getting long and there was A LOT of new TV on last night.
Thought The Office opener was great. Writing was better than it has been for awhile. I hope they draw Pam's pregnancy out for the season. Whenever babies enter a sitcom, it tends to go downhill. Although, they did manage to handle Jan's baby pretty well. We'll see.
Community wasn't bad. I'll stay in for a few more episodes. My boss had never heard of Joel McCale - he had no idea who he was. Crazy. Chevy Chase sure is good at making faces. Anything else you can do, sir?
Heard Parks & Rec was great. Haven't watched it yet.

Pop Culture Overload

This week has been too saturated by pop culture for me to write anything here. It overwhelmed me and made me feel kind of bad about #1) living in a society that gives so much of a shit about what stupid celebrities have to say and completely disregards genuinely life altering global events and #2) living in the center of that shit storm. Of course, then I felt like a huge hypocrite as technically, I make a living off of those shit raindrops and I'm obviously a pop culture consumer. There is a line somewhere and I think, for me, it was crossed this week.
I am excited to report that this week also welcomed the beginning of plans for an extraordinary, favorite people-filled California/Oregon Christmas adventure that I must start negotiating now so that I have something to look forward to over the next couple vacation-less months. I CANNOT wait to get into those Oregon hot springs. SCALDING!**
Another positive note - I was scheduled for jury duty this week in downtown LA and didn't actually have to go in. This is the 3rd time that this phenomenon has occurred. Twice in Chicago and now once here. I have a theory that this is due in part to my last name starting with a W. But, who knows? Maybe I'm just really lucky.
Some girl from a physical therapy office upstairs just brought us a box of fortune cookies. I didn't open one. I think today, I'd rather not know.

**It is possible that I may be addicted to vacations.

Hmmm

Who is this? Is it supposed to be Jay Leno? I'm glad NBC is keeping the airbrush factory in business.

TV Time

Oh ho ho ho ho. September is the cruelest month, breeding sitcoms out of the dead land, mixing Jay Leno and prime time, stirring dull reruns with Fall pilots.
That's right, folks! It is that time of year once again - Fall TV season. Today the online LA Times featured a printable September TV calendar (http://www.latimes.com/media/acrobat/2009-09/49046273.pdf). Obviously, I printed it out on the color printer as it came complete with Steve Carrell photoshopped into one corner. I've highlighted the shows I must program into the DVR and am anxious to get home and fill it up while my roommate is out of town.
This past week, we welcomed the revamp of a series dear to my teenage heart, Melrose Place. As many of my friends revealed on facebook this week, I was not alone in my enjoyment of the first episode. Will it stick? I'm not so sure. I could have just been swept away in the delight of seeing Miss S floating dead in the pool within the first 10 minutes of the show. It does seem like they have dug up some satisfactory young thespians and Ashlee Simpson didn't annoy me too much, but she didn't have a ton of screen time.

Here's my Must-Watch-at-least-a-couple-episodes list. Asterisks denote series that I'm super excited to see:

Community* - Gotta love Joel McCale
Bored to Death
Accidentally on Purpose
The Forgotten
The Good Wife* - Chris Noth is a recurring. Beautiful
Mercy
Modern Family
Cougar Town
Eastwick* - Get ready for Paul Gross, people.
Flash Forward
Trauma
Hank - Sigh. Kelsey Grammer
The Middle

Returning Favs:
The Office
Fringe
Curb Your Enthusiasm
The Mentalist (I can't help it - Simon Baker is dreamy)
Dexter
Brothers & Sisters
Californication

And we are only 4 episodes into Mad Men. That's a lot of TV.

I will share my opinions here which you should be very interested in as I am a Hollywood Insider.
Off to Austin tomorrow for my BFF's 30th birthday celebration! Another weekend, another new city. It's all very exciting.

Bay Area Infatuation

Question - Why have San Francisco and I never met prior to this weekend? I am completely in love.

One of my dearest friends had a gallery show in Oakland this past weekend, giving me a delightful opportunity to visit the Bay area for the very first time. His show was amazing, I was able to spend some quality time with old friends and everything came up roses.


Matt's gallery show in Oakland

As what I consider to be a most enjoyable mixture of New York and Los Angeles, San Francisco had me at hello. After spending a lovely day on the other side of the Bay, I emerged from the BART in the heart of the city, where I was literally greeted by a gigantic heart shaped sculpture. Coincidence? I think not. Within 5 minutes, I had declared my undying love for this city I barely knew. As we grew more intimate over the next several days, SF delved deep into my soul, touching me in places old Los Angeles has long forgotten. In the end, SF pulled a Humphrey Bogart on me and convinced me to travel the long road back to my familiar, safe, predictable life. I will be back, SF. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and perhaps for the rest of my life.

The view from a very famous bridge.

Agnes Hug Me

Last night I was having drinks with a friend and she told me a most hilarious story. I told her that I wanted to write about it in my blog. We were trying to come up with a name I could use to represent her, to protect her superhero identity. We came up with a couple of choices, but then I remembered this story:
A few months ago, I received a friend request on facebook from someone whose screen name was "Phil McCrackin." It's been awhile since I was 12, so, although I knew this sounded familiar to me, I didn't really get it. The person accompanied the request with a message that indicated that he did, in fact, know me, as there were details he mentioned that a stranger couldn't possibly know. I wracked my brain trying to figure out who this might be. Later that week, I was at my friend's (the same one from last night) place with several other ladies, and we were talking about this mysterious friend request. I said the name "Phil McCrackin" out loud several times and NONE of us heard Fill My Crack In. My friend suggested that I check my high school yearbooks WHICH I ACTUALLY DID! Obviously, I did not find him. A few days later, I'm on what I think is a date with this boy that I sort of had a thing for at the time and we are having a conversation about weird shit that goes on on facebook. Naturally, I relate this story. As soon as I say the words, "Phil McCrackin" to this guy, I realize what's up. Because I am extremely cool, I play it off to him as though I've known all along what's going on. In the meantime, I receive several other messages from this mysterious FB tool. Turns out, I knew him briefly in high school and he joined FB just to find out what I was up to and he used a made up name because he didn't want his wife or his 4 kids to know. Ugh. So, I'm back at my girl's house and we're having a few drinks. I explain that the mystery has been solved and that Phil is, indeed, a douche. She starts laughing really hard and says, "Oh, hahaha, like when Bart Simpson calls Moe's bar and asks for Agnes Hug Me?" I say, "Do you mean Amanda Huginkis?" to which she answers, "Yeah, that." Thus, Phil McCrackin is synonymous with a-hole and Agnes Hug Me (AHM) is the name I will use for my friend in my blog.
So, AHM tells me last night that while she was visiting her hometown recently, her mother suggested that they have a ladies' day at the spa. AHM's mother is the sort that sends her 5LB bags of rice in the mail so she can give her face a rice bath and who threatens (legitimately)to steal her child if she ever has one out of wedlock. AHM thinks that the offer of a relaxing spa treatment is delightful, so she hops in the car with her mother and they take a little drive. Her mother pulls up to a curb and announces that they have arrived at their destination. AHM looks up and realizes that she has been driven to a fertility clinic. When AHM questions her mother, her mother reveals that she thinks its a good idea for AHM to have her eggs frozen before they shrivel up and are no good. WHAT?!!!? AHM is in her early (ish) 30s! Horrified, AHM hails a cab and departs the scene without stepping foot in the clinic. While she's telling me this story, she is amazingly good-natured about the whole incident. This is actually on the lower scale of crazy for her mother. I cannot image dealing with this sort of behavior. It made me realize that when AHM does eventually have children, I know that she will be a fantastic mother and have an incredibly high tolerance for the absurd.

The Hybrid Returns

My car was in the shop for a couple of days this week and, let me tell you, I have a new found respect for all normal people who rely on the LA Metro Bus and Rail system as their primary means of transportation. I'm pretty sure I shouldn't have gotten on there without being wrapped in a plastic sheath. There was one woman who tried unsuccessfully to board. She was wearing a tank top with no sides. By which I mean you could see things that should have been covered with a black bar. It was 9:30 in the morning on a weekday. I wonder what happens at night. Thankfully, I now have my own personal wheels back and can once again dictate who gets in and out.
In other news, I bought a really ugly dress at lunchtime today. I'm not sure why I purchased it. I guess I was too beaten down to forge ahead and try something else on.
Hump day = the ladies drinking martinis at Lola's tonight. Huzzah!