Terrible Headshots - Vol. 4

A little something for the holidays. You're welcome.

Holiday Gift Making 101

My friend who I am visiting for Christmas requested several weeks ago that we exchange homemade gifts only this holiday season. At first, this idea was very appealing to me. I fancy myself to be a creative person and I had some initial good ideas. Those ideas included - knitting a scarf,blanket or dog bed; painting a nice landscape, still life or portrait; burning a series of CDs of really good music; or making an inventive coupon book. There turned out to be issues with each of these ideas - I don't know how to knit and don't have the patience to learn; I'm not a painter, nor do I want to become one only for this one Christmas; my friend has all the same music that I do and if I bought more, I didn't think it would really count and that idea is boring; coupon books suck - worst gift ever. After you reach the age of 5, you are no longer allowed to give out coupon books. So, I was left with secondary ideas. I won't bore you with going through all the little crafty things I attempted. Just know it is impossible to find 1" clear glass gems or a 1/2" craft hole punch, so don't even bother looking. Chad came over one night last week to go over another project step-by-step with me so I would know exactly how to do it. He did the craft project while I watched Fringe. I spent more money buying supplies for these stupid ideas than I would had I just gone to the store and gotten something awesome that would have actually been useful. Or at least nice looking. Eventually, I collected some photos and sent them to a company that knows what to do with them to create a decent gift. I know that this is not exactly what my friend had in mind, but it was as close as I could get without losing my fucking mind. Her birthday is several days after Christmas and there were no rules assigned to that gift, so I am assuming I can buy whatever the hell I want. So, I'm a buyer, not a maker. This isn't something I'm proud to admit, but I will say that I am doing my part to turn this recession around. I should get some life points for that.

Terrible Headshots - Vol. 3

Nothing about this is okay. NOTHING.

Who is better than this man?

For many years now, I have had an unrelenting celebrity crush on the one and only Stone Phillips, former NBC newsman and anchor of Dateline. When I say many years, I mean approximately 17. I've loved him from the moment I laid eyes on his perfectly coiffed hair pillow. I believe that I even impersonated him during a science project presentation involving a potato in the 10th grade. He has always been #1 on my "if you could" list. Today, while wasting time at work, I realized that I haven't seen him lately, even briefly, on the television. My question to all news channels out there - network and cable alike - is - WHY?? He is the quintessential broadcast journalist who is and has been grossly underused by network buffoons his entire career. As you might be able to tell, I really got worked up about this today. He is an American treasure/hunk and should be treated with all the respect and accolades that come along with those distinctions. Perhaps his lack of on-camera work over the past several years has been his choice. Perhaps he was sick of getting the same type of contract as Brian Williams' assistant. If this is indeed the case, I understand. It's only natural to want to punish the corporate a-holes who couldn't manage to come up with a measly $7 million to keep the original Don Draper on the air. But, Stone, if you're reading this, I implore you - return to the American airwaves! They are a desolate wasteland without you. I would also like to note that if I ever do anything to garner national attention for 15 minutes or so - like pretend my child is flying 10 miles above the earth in a Mylar balloon or crash a White House State dinner - the ONLY person to whom I would EVER grant an interview is the incomparable Mr. Phillips. Of course, Stone is far to classy to cover something like that. I suppose if I ever land a disabled aircraft on the Hudson without injuring anyone, I will give his agent a call.
Coincidentally, yesterday was his birthday. Happy birthday, Stone! I think I speak for many when I say, hope to see you soon.