She can't even boil an egg.

Despite the fact that my mother was a professional chef during many of my formative years, I do not have any sort of knack for domestic kitchen type activities. For the past few months, I have been trying to perfect the art of hard boiling an egg. Its seems simple enough and there have definitely been points in my life in which I have been able to accomplish this feat. I'm not sure if it's the stove in my current apartment or if I'm just a lazy a-hole. Either way, I have solicited the advice of many in this process. Everyone seems to have a personalized technique which they were keen to share with me. Some people add salt to the water; some set the water at a certain level in the pot. One friend told me that he had a sixth sense about egg boiling and could pinpoint the exact right time to yank them out. For some reason, whenever I have given this a try lately, it just hasn't turned out quite right. The yokes are sometimes a weird color and often the shell is difficult to separate from the white.
Anyway, last Sunday, I was watching TV (Real Housewives of NJ, I'm sure), having just awoken from a late afternoon nap. It was slightly warmer than usual in my apartment which I chalked up to a break in the clouds from the June gloom. I was still a little groggy and didn't feel like getting off the couch to open the kitchen window to promote a cross breeze. I had slept for approximately 1 hour and had been watching TV for about 20 minutes, when I was jolted by what I was sure was a gun shot coming from somewhere in my house. "What the fuck was that?" I asked outloud to no one (I accidentally killed my beta fish in the garbage disposal last week - terrible - one of the worse cases of fish-slaughter ever committed, I assure you). I jumped off the couch and started to investigate when a second round was fired. I ran into the kitchen to find eggs literally exploding out of a pot which I had started before my impromptu nap and about which I had completely forgotten when I woke up. Excuse me? Eggs explode? You bet your ass they do. All over my freaking kitchen. The water had completely evaportated and they were as hard as rocks. Apparently, it's like putting a can of soda in the freezer and forgetting about it (not that I would know anything about that).
I spent a good part of the next hour de-egging my kitchen. Gross. I'm giving up. Screw hard boiled eggs. I don't even like them that much anyway. I will get my protein elsewhere, thank you very much.

Terrible Headshots - Vol. 8

Here are the winners for June. Clearly, the woman at the bottom would like to be considered to play opposite Ryan Gosling in the Lars and the Real Girl sequel.