Shit...what day is it? That was a really long nap. Sometimes I like to sleep underneath my desk at work when no one is looking. It's not very comfortable down there. I now understand why fancy people have seemingly useless couches in their offices.
I know that the solstice does not happen until Dec. 21, but it has been a long, cold winter so far. More figuratively than literally. It was 80 degrees in LA yesterday. Via Facebook (my primary news source), I have seen evidence of snow and other wintery type weather that has overtaken many regions of the country. Not here, though. We're toasty. On the outside, not in our hearts. Our hearts are mostly several cold sizes too small. It's been hard for me to get worked up about the holidays this year. Perhaps on Friday, when I am released from my work cage and permitted to run free in the yard for a couple of weeks, I will get on the Christmas wagon. We'll see what the year-end bonus looks like and then decide how generous the gift-giving will be.
Speaking of gifts, last night I attended several Christmas parties, one of which involved a White Elephant gift exchange. The suggested retail price of the gift was $20 or below. Being that this year was the first that I was invited to this annual party, I erred on the side of caution and brought a neatly wrapped, top shelf bottle of vodka for the exchange. I definitely didn't want to seem like a cheap asshole. I had the misfortune of drawing a very low number, thus virtually guaranteeing I would be left with a piece of crap gift. Not all party-goers are as thoughtful as I. What was I lucky enough to unwrap? A pair if pink METAL handcuffs (no fur here) and a Santa hat that has the inscription "Christmas Princess" on it. Whoever purchased that gift (or found it on the floor of their closet and decided to bring it to this party), you are the asshole. Needless to say, no one wanted to steal it. BUT, there was a Christmas miracle: my delicious gift of Grey Goose had been tucked so far under the tree that no one saw it during the game. And, apparently, a couple people had left during the course of the evening without taking a gift. So, I stealthily ungifted the bag and stuffed the bottle in my purse. I'm pretty sure no one noticed. I will be having celebratory vodka gimlets for dinner tonight.
Happy holidays!
PS - I should note that the party was delightful and I very much enjoyed spending time with some lovely people.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Summer is Over or Weird Happenings at the Grocers
Where did my summer go? I guess we'll never really know as I have failed to appropriately document it for all the world to see. Highlights included a 10 mai tai birthday, a visit/road trip with the BFF, falling in love with the Real Housewives of New Jersey all over again, underachieving at my current place of employ, joining and quiting two different gyms, setting a list on fire and throwing the ashes into the ocean, a minor medical procedure, feng shui-ing my apartment in a pathetic attempt to improve my life drastically through minimal effort, a foray into semi-professional blogging that ultimately cost me a lot of time and dignity, several dinners at The Palm, several really good bottles of wine, and trying to break the world record for the most calls exchanged between two friends in a 30 day period (current total - 206).
All in all, not too bad. Today, September 23rd, marks the first day of Fall. There is a full moon tonight and the temperature on Sunday is predicted to be 94 degrees. Life in this smoggery is pretty good.
Despite what happened to me at the Ralph's on Olympic and Barrington in West Los Angeles during my lunch break today.
It should be noted that I spent several years working in a rehab/nursing home in the suburbs of Chicago. During that time, I was around people who were unable to function in normal society. Most had fairly severe mental illnesses. That being said, I haven't worked there in a long time.
Today in the grocery store, I was browsing around the back aisle and looked down the cereal aisle, trying to recall if there was anything on my list that would be located there. Standing about 10 feet away from me was a very tall, dark haired woman in her early to mid-30s wearing a long grey wool coat and sporting a visible mustache. She was mumbling to herself and tapping her foot and seemed to be counting something on her fingers. Clearly some kind of nut. We made brief eye contact; I decided not to go down the cereal aisle and continued on. About 1 minute later, I noticed the face of a nice looking lady walking toward me suddenly turn to concern. Next thing I knew, the VERY tall grey coat lady leaped before me, stopping me in my tracks and looking at me with what can only be described as disgust. She looked at me for a second and I said, "Hi." I tried to reenact this for Matt, and we determined that my voice was probably high pitched and the tone was a mix of sarcasm and fear. I did a quick assessment of the situation and determined that she really could have been hiding anything under that coat. Broken glass, kitchen utensils. After that unfortunate Target incident awhile ago, I don't really trust any wandering crazy ladies in this town. She didn't say anything to me and was clearly pissed. She raised her eyebrows at me a couple of times. I did not respond. Then she reached out, knocked a box of Triscuits off the shelf very close to my face, looked at me again and quickly walked past me, presumably leaving the store. It was very unsettling. Needless to say, I don't think that I collected all the items I need to make potato salad tonight.
Another weird thing happened to me involving a different crazy person as I was exiting this very same grocery store today, but I don't think that I can tell that story without sounding racist.
All in all, not too bad. Today, September 23rd, marks the first day of Fall. There is a full moon tonight and the temperature on Sunday is predicted to be 94 degrees. Life in this smoggery is pretty good.
Despite what happened to me at the Ralph's on Olympic and Barrington in West Los Angeles during my lunch break today.
It should be noted that I spent several years working in a rehab/nursing home in the suburbs of Chicago. During that time, I was around people who were unable to function in normal society. Most had fairly severe mental illnesses. That being said, I haven't worked there in a long time.
Today in the grocery store, I was browsing around the back aisle and looked down the cereal aisle, trying to recall if there was anything on my list that would be located there. Standing about 10 feet away from me was a very tall, dark haired woman in her early to mid-30s wearing a long grey wool coat and sporting a visible mustache. She was mumbling to herself and tapping her foot and seemed to be counting something on her fingers. Clearly some kind of nut. We made brief eye contact; I decided not to go down the cereal aisle and continued on. About 1 minute later, I noticed the face of a nice looking lady walking toward me suddenly turn to concern. Next thing I knew, the VERY tall grey coat lady leaped before me, stopping me in my tracks and looking at me with what can only be described as disgust. She looked at me for a second and I said, "Hi." I tried to reenact this for Matt, and we determined that my voice was probably high pitched and the tone was a mix of sarcasm and fear. I did a quick assessment of the situation and determined that she really could have been hiding anything under that coat. Broken glass, kitchen utensils. After that unfortunate Target incident awhile ago, I don't really trust any wandering crazy ladies in this town. She didn't say anything to me and was clearly pissed. She raised her eyebrows at me a couple of times. I did not respond. Then she reached out, knocked a box of Triscuits off the shelf very close to my face, looked at me again and quickly walked past me, presumably leaving the store. It was very unsettling. Needless to say, I don't think that I collected all the items I need to make potato salad tonight.
Another weird thing happened to me involving a different crazy person as I was exiting this very same grocery store today, but I don't think that I can tell that story without sounding racist.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
She can't even boil an egg.
Despite the fact that my mother was a professional chef during many of my formative years, I do not have any sort of knack for domestic kitchen type activities. For the past few months, I have been trying to perfect the art of hard boiling an egg. Its seems simple enough and there have definitely been points in my life in which I have been able to accomplish this feat. I'm not sure if it's the stove in my current apartment or if I'm just a lazy a-hole. Either way, I have solicited the advice of many in this process. Everyone seems to have a personalized technique which they were keen to share with me. Some people add salt to the water; some set the water at a certain level in the pot. One friend told me that he had a sixth sense about egg boiling and could pinpoint the exact right time to yank them out. For some reason, whenever I have given this a try lately, it just hasn't turned out quite right. The yokes are sometimes a weird color and often the shell is difficult to separate from the white.
Anyway, last Sunday, I was watching TV (Real Housewives of NJ, I'm sure), having just awoken from a late afternoon nap. It was slightly warmer than usual in my apartment which I chalked up to a break in the clouds from the June gloom. I was still a little groggy and didn't feel like getting off the couch to open the kitchen window to promote a cross breeze. I had slept for approximately 1 hour and had been watching TV for about 20 minutes, when I was jolted by what I was sure was a gun shot coming from somewhere in my house. "What the fuck was that?" I asked outloud to no one (I accidentally killed my beta fish in the garbage disposal last week - terrible - one of the worse cases of fish-slaughter ever committed, I assure you). I jumped off the couch and started to investigate when a second round was fired. I ran into the kitchen to find eggs literally exploding out of a pot which I had started before my impromptu nap and about which I had completely forgotten when I woke up. Excuse me? Eggs explode? You bet your ass they do. All over my freaking kitchen. The water had completely evaportated and they were as hard as rocks. Apparently, it's like putting a can of soda in the freezer and forgetting about it (not that I would know anything about that).
I spent a good part of the next hour de-egging my kitchen. Gross. I'm giving up. Screw hard boiled eggs. I don't even like them that much anyway. I will get my protein elsewhere, thank you very much.
Anyway, last Sunday, I was watching TV (Real Housewives of NJ, I'm sure), having just awoken from a late afternoon nap. It was slightly warmer than usual in my apartment which I chalked up to a break in the clouds from the June gloom. I was still a little groggy and didn't feel like getting off the couch to open the kitchen window to promote a cross breeze. I had slept for approximately 1 hour and had been watching TV for about 20 minutes, when I was jolted by what I was sure was a gun shot coming from somewhere in my house. "What the fuck was that?" I asked outloud to no one (I accidentally killed my beta fish in the garbage disposal last week - terrible - one of the worse cases of fish-slaughter ever committed, I assure you). I jumped off the couch and started to investigate when a second round was fired. I ran into the kitchen to find eggs literally exploding out of a pot which I had started before my impromptu nap and about which I had completely forgotten when I woke up. Excuse me? Eggs explode? You bet your ass they do. All over my freaking kitchen. The water had completely evaportated and they were as hard as rocks. Apparently, it's like putting a can of soda in the freezer and forgetting about it (not that I would know anything about that).
I spent a good part of the next hour de-egging my kitchen. Gross. I'm giving up. Screw hard boiled eggs. I don't even like them that much anyway. I will get my protein elsewhere, thank you very much.
Terrible Headshots - Vol. 8
Here are the winners for June. Clearly, the woman at the bottom would like to be considered to play opposite Ryan Gosling in the Lars and the Real Girl sequel.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Terrible Headshots - Vol. 7
Friday, May 14, 2010
I made it!
It's Friday! Thank you, Universe, for helping me make it through another week. Yesterday, the outlook on that actually happening was iffy at best.
This week, I aquired a balance ball chair for my desk at work, manufactured by the fine people at Gaiam. So, essentially, I sit on a bouncy ball all day and bounce. It isn't exactly comfortable, but I pretend it is so my employers don't think they were right when they told me they doubted I would last a week on it. Ha ha! I have lasted a week, so the joke is on them! And on my ass which is pretty much numb by the end of the day. We all have to make sacrifices.
Still doing P90X, but a wine and cheese party that I hosted on Tuesday night seriously derailed my meal plan. It also left an obscene number of used wine glasses piled on my kitchen counter that I haven't touched yet. It was all completely worth it though, as it resulted in some high quality girl friend time. I think that I am back on track now and am blessed with a four day work week next week, followed by a 2 day work week the following week and THEN another 4 day work week. There is a chance I will continue to survive somehow.
A week from today, I am going to visit my BFF in Austin where she will be graduating with her Ph.D. Yeah, she's really smart. I feel like I have also completed something. That something will likely turn out to be a bottle of tequila. Yay, Texas!
This week, I aquired a balance ball chair for my desk at work, manufactured by the fine people at Gaiam. So, essentially, I sit on a bouncy ball all day and bounce. It isn't exactly comfortable, but I pretend it is so my employers don't think they were right when they told me they doubted I would last a week on it. Ha ha! I have lasted a week, so the joke is on them! And on my ass which is pretty much numb by the end of the day. We all have to make sacrifices.
Still doing P90X, but a wine and cheese party that I hosted on Tuesday night seriously derailed my meal plan. It also left an obscene number of used wine glasses piled on my kitchen counter that I haven't touched yet. It was all completely worth it though, as it resulted in some high quality girl friend time. I think that I am back on track now and am blessed with a four day work week next week, followed by a 2 day work week the following week and THEN another 4 day work week. There is a chance I will continue to survive somehow.
A week from today, I am going to visit my BFF in Austin where she will be graduating with her Ph.D. Yeah, she's really smart. I feel like I have also completed something. That something will likely turn out to be a bottle of tequila. Yay, Texas!
Monday, May 3, 2010
P90 eXcuse me?
Well, just so you know, I lasted about 2 hours without television. That was a stupid idea. I'm clearly not capable of that kind of commitment at this point in my life. Also, there was a place card for me at the previously mentioned wedding. Sadly, by the time that was communicated to me, I was in Oxnard at a thrift store formerly know as The Association of Retarded Citizens, but now called ARC. Apparently, if you refer to it as the Retarded Citizens Thrift Store in an Oxnard gas station, the proprietor of said gas station will know that you are "not from Oxnard, huh?" I guess some drama went down in that town over their beloved second hand shop. Anyway, I heard it was a beautiful wedding.
Fitness Update:
I have quit boot camp. I know this won't come as a complete shock to most of you. What is shocking is how long I actually went. There are various reasons for my departure, but the main one is that I really wasn't loosing any weight and although we can pretend all day that I just want to "feel better" and "get healthy," I think in our heart of hearts we all know what the real goal is. So, I've come up with a new way in which to torture myself - P90X. Every heard of it? I'm about to close out my second week on the program. If you've never actually done it, you should know that it is not only an at home exercise program, but also a nutritional program. The workouts are very difficult and the diet is strict. If this doesn't work, I have no idea what will. I do live in LA, so I guess the next option is lipo. Speaking of which, does anyone have a baseball bat I can borrow? I need to beat the shit out of a bathroom scale, Office Space style.
Apt Update:
Yesterday when I was doing Yoga X (P90X yoga for superheroes), I was half way through a sideways twist when I noticed that there was a large unpainted circle on the wall above my bathroom door. I also realized that the smoke detector that used to be in that spot was now in the living room over top of a painting, off centered. At first I thought, wow, has that always been like that? No, certainly not. I wouldn't have been able to stand #1 the unpainted circle or #2 the off centered painting. I was pretty pissed because obviously my building manager had authorized someone to come into my apartment without my permission and replace/move the smoke detector. I also suspected that they had come in without my permission on another occasion several months ago when I found a piece of insulation on my balcony which I did not put out there. All day long, whenever I would look at that damn circle, I would get angrier and angrier. So, this morning, I called my very nice landlady and left her a message asking about the situation. She called me back and said that she had never sent anyone into my apartment to move the smoke detector!! She had called the maintenance man and he didn't know anything about it either!! She also assured me that the smoke detector had indeed been above the bathroom door as they are all in the same places in all of her apartments. WTF??! Who would come into my house and move a smoke detector? Very weird. She is having the locks replaced today and moving the smoke detector back where it was. Matt says I should call the police and report it just in case there is a serial killer on the loose who breaks into ladies' apartments and moves the smoke detector shortly before he comes back to murder them. AAAHHHHHH. I don't want to die! In case the murderer is reading this blog, go fuck yourself! I have a giant killer dog now who will eat your face off if you come in again.
Fitness Update:
I have quit boot camp. I know this won't come as a complete shock to most of you. What is shocking is how long I actually went. There are various reasons for my departure, but the main one is that I really wasn't loosing any weight and although we can pretend all day that I just want to "feel better" and "get healthy," I think in our heart of hearts we all know what the real goal is. So, I've come up with a new way in which to torture myself - P90X. Every heard of it? I'm about to close out my second week on the program. If you've never actually done it, you should know that it is not only an at home exercise program, but also a nutritional program. The workouts are very difficult and the diet is strict. If this doesn't work, I have no idea what will. I do live in LA, so I guess the next option is lipo. Speaking of which, does anyone have a baseball bat I can borrow? I need to beat the shit out of a bathroom scale, Office Space style.
Apt Update:
Yesterday when I was doing Yoga X (P90X yoga for superheroes), I was half way through a sideways twist when I noticed that there was a large unpainted circle on the wall above my bathroom door. I also realized that the smoke detector that used to be in that spot was now in the living room over top of a painting, off centered. At first I thought, wow, has that always been like that? No, certainly not. I wouldn't have been able to stand #1 the unpainted circle or #2 the off centered painting. I was pretty pissed because obviously my building manager had authorized someone to come into my apartment without my permission and replace/move the smoke detector. I also suspected that they had come in without my permission on another occasion several months ago when I found a piece of insulation on my balcony which I did not put out there. All day long, whenever I would look at that damn circle, I would get angrier and angrier. So, this morning, I called my very nice landlady and left her a message asking about the situation. She called me back and said that she had never sent anyone into my apartment to move the smoke detector!! She had called the maintenance man and he didn't know anything about it either!! She also assured me that the smoke detector had indeed been above the bathroom door as they are all in the same places in all of her apartments. WTF??! Who would come into my house and move a smoke detector? Very weird. She is having the locks replaced today and moving the smoke detector back where it was. Matt says I should call the police and report it just in case there is a serial killer on the loose who breaks into ladies' apartments and moves the smoke detector shortly before he comes back to murder them. AAAHHHHHH. I don't want to die! In case the murderer is reading this blog, go fuck yourself! I have a giant killer dog now who will eat your face off if you come in again.
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